He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
