I accidentally burped into my bong.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
