What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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