It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
