Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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