I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
