so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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