Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
