I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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