So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
be right there i have to get my cape
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
