Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
