I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
