So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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