listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
