My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
