the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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