Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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