I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
