Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
