$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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