Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
