My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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