I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
