why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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