Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
