oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just blew my weed a kiss
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
