My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
