I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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