oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Please don't give away my fajitas
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