Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
