Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
