All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
