i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
