she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
