just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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