I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
