My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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