The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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