Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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