She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
