The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
