I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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