i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
40s are totally the cure
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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