Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
