If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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