she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
