He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize