I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
