I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
