dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize