The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
