Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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