onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
