Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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