never play flip cup with pint glasses
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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