drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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