I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
