all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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