Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize