Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
