alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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