For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My legs feel like baby dolphins
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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