I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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