Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
