Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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