you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
