How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
